Awkward Moments

Yeah, I know what it feels like when you come across that friend out of no where whom you bullied in the school for being fat, now he seems amazing and you, well not even can you not touch your toes, but cant even see them, Or that bureaucrat uncle who always asks you to join civil services and frowns at any other achievement of yours or when you’re sitting on the dining table with your mum and dad fighting over you.

Well here are some of the most awkward situations I have encountered:

When Someone Hands You a Newborn Baby

“Here go on, hold the baby, awwwwww he looks so cute holding the baby”

For crying out loud lady, I’m about to drop this creature !

And then someone asks “Who does he resemble in the family?”

He was born 20 minutes ago, he looks just like a potato for God’s sake !

And then the baby starts crying.

“Awwwwww it seems the baby doesn’t like you”

Umm yeah, he’s really developed his sense of hatred in his life span of 20 minutes.

When Someone Asks “Who do you like more, mum or dad?” 

Many a times, the relatives with some idiotic traits ask in front of your mum and dad, Who do you like more, mum or dad ?

What they see is the mother and father smiling at me saying go ahead son, tell him.

What I see and what actually is:

Dad- Go ahead you coward, say you like me or you’re dead meat.

Mum- Yeah, tell em, look me in the eyes, tell em you like me, tell em how I’m the best mom.

When You Realize You Were Not Invited

You enter a gathering, you are suited up, you think everyone will warmly greet you, you have a big smile on your face.

You look at the host. Ohhhh that look, explains everything, he sees you, he’s confused as to what to do, how to react, whether to send you back, whether to say you’re not invited, whether to say he forgot to send you an invitation. During that confusion, he makes a face, neither sad, nor happy, neither excited, nor apathetic giving you a signal so abstract that he almost looks like he’s gonna die soon. And during his making that face, you catch up that the next hour or so is not going to be nice. Every one looks at you as if: ‘Yes this is the fellow, look at him, look the hell out of him’

 When Someone Beautiful/Handsome Talks to You

Oh my God, she’s coming this way, okay I have to stay cool, okay how do I stay cool? Shit I don’t even know how to stay cool, okay just be yourself. How can I be myself, I hate being myself. Okay just stay classy, just don’t over do it. Just stay calm and act natural. Start off with a smile, without teeth, no with teeth, no without. Okay don’t mess this up man. Here she comes.

What I imagine:

She says hi, I say hello, how are you? She says I’m good, how about you. I say, I’m fine, what’s up these days, she says nothing much just studies and stuff, how about you? I say ohhh nothing interesting really, just saved a couple of children from an accident, helped a homeless guy, donated a bottle of blood, just the usual. And then we’d laugh.

What actually happens:

She says Hi, and in the words of Eminem, ‘He opens his mouth but the words wont come out’. A silent voice comes from inside, which say hello. She says how are you, My world spins round and round, My soul faints leaving my body to this situation at the disposal of my idiotic brain. And then a voice from inside my mouth comes out, “hi me name potato”

And then I seek my leave for not embarrassing myself any more, I ask for my departure in the words:- “I go now, I go and use toilet to answer my call of nature”

When You Insult Something In Front Of Someone Who Loves It 

Me:

Yeah man, and seriously speaking, I just hate the accountants, I mean come on, what they do is sit behind a desk for the whole day, that’s it. They are the most self centered, boring and arrogant beings on the earth. Whenever you ask them about their work, they start an endless chain of boring stories where they are being used by the high officials, and those poor souls don’t even realize that. Right ?

The Other Guy:

I’m an accountant ……..

Awkward silence……..

Me:

I mean the other guys, not you, you’re awesome man.

He begins to realize his life is boring

Another awkward silence……..

Me:

I mean look at me, I’m a lawyer, I’m boring too, I mean what do I do all day, I just justify people’s innocence in different ways, appear in front of judges, convince them with tricky arguments, attend dinners, meet new people everyday.

He looks pale and seems like a man who’s going to commit suicide.

Another awkward silence……..

Me:

I’m sorry man.

When You Use Someone’s Computer And You Look At The Browsing History With Them Sitting Beside

Hey man, can I use your computer, I need to email a link ?

Yea sure, go right ahead.

Okay I think I opened that website once on your computer last week, *opens the web history.

The friend sitting beside.

The hands shake, the eyes tumble, the mind says, ‘oh you sick man’, the fingers keep scrolling but the lower I go the sicker it gets.

Ummm I think I’ll get to it when I get home.

Yeah okay.

A biggggg Awkward silence……………